I love you. I started loving you, ever since the moment your mother told me you were growing in her womb. The immense joy which I felt then was only superseded by seeing ‘the tiny-you’ for the first time, in an ultrasound monitor. Your mother firmly gripped my hand and looked at me. Her eyes were filled with tears and so was mine. We had been longing for you for so long and finally! there you were. Our symbol of love. Our ray of hope.
It was raining heavily that day. Your mother was in labour – screaming at the top of her lungs while I waited outside – scared. I was scared thinking – what if I could not be a good father to you and keep you away from harm or what if you would turn up to be a spoiled kid and hate me when u become a teenager. After years of trying to conceive and months of hardship and hours in labour, you were born and just like a miracle, I became a father. You were here. You were here!
With each passing day, our hope of surviving each other became more and more stronger. You were so little then. Your eyes were beautiful. You were beautiful. We would just look at you for hours and not get enough of you. We would play rock, paper & scissors to clean your potty and sing lullabies to you. You were growing up so fast and so were we – growing with you, becoming a child, being truly happy. We, at times, couldn’t believe we made you. You were the greatest gift to us. And as we rekindled our dying relationship, we found our love again. All because of you. For you.
Madhu, I want to tell you why I am truly writing this letter to you. For years, this has been painful to me and it will always be painful. I never thought I would come to say these but here it is – My princess, I am sorry. I am sorry that none of these is real. I am sorry you aren’t real. I am sorry that you were never born and for years, you have been only a figment of my imagination.
The harsh reality is – I couldn’t be a good person to the woman I loved, the woman whom I wished to marry. I became a monster. I don’t remember when I turned into one but I did. I could give her only haunting memories and emotional breakdowns instead of happiness and comfort. I didn’t support her and instead of shedding her tears, I gave her more tears. No matter how emotionally hurt she was, she tried to save me, tried to save us but I wrecked it all and pushed her afar and thus afar she went.
Madhu, I named you after her because you were the greatest symbol of her love to me – our love for each other. How I wish, every dying day, the reality would somehow transform into the figment of my imagination. We would be real then. You would be real.
As I finish writing this letter, I see where I stand now. Emptiness has gulped me in and I am left with nothing but this undying guilt of why couldn’t I apologise to her and tell her how much I truly loved her, how much she meant to me and if given another opportunity, I would never push her away and let her go.
I am sorry Madhu. I love you. I always will.